back again

It’s been too long since I wrote here, and I do have the lamest (but valid) excuse: I got busy.

I am quite amused by the fact that I get bitten by the blogging bug for just a few reasons 1) when I’m bored 2) when I can’t sleep 3) when I’m emotionally distraught.  This time the reasons would be #2 and #3.

It’s 1:35 am right now, and quite frankly, I should really be sleeping since I have a full day of work tomorrow. On the other hand, I have been tossing and turning in my bed for the last 2 hours trying to sleep, but finding I am unable to because I am wrestling with some thoughts that have been nagging me since yesterday. You know, the “what ifs” “why not’s” “why’s” “how”, all jumbled with feelings of annoyance, sadness, depression, confusion and anxiety. I’ve done what I’ve always done, that is to pray and tell all to God…after a sudden wave of bawling and snot, I did feel better. Perhaps it’s hormonal? Who knows…I’m not as young as I was.

But one thing that was bothering me…was the fear of changes taking place. Changes happening in people, changes happening with work situations, changes with relationships, friendships, connections…all those things.  It’s safe to say I have gotten adjusted with life here in California, and my family and career seems to be in a good place..finances could be better (honestly speaking), yet I am very thankful for having just what I need and an occasional pleasure of small luxuries.

My recent visit to New York though reawakened my constant longing to be in the companion of my east coast family and close and trusted friends. I immensely miss my friends, my church. While I do have a wonderful boyfriend here, and he has been very supportive in every way.  I have to admit, though, I do feel at a lost when he goes and spends time with his friends and I am again brought to the realization: that I haven’t made many friends here that I felt as close to as the ones I have back home. I’ve wondered about that…I know I have tried in the last two years but I have to admit, my various work schedules don’t leave me much time to actually bond and connect with other people. Besides, everyone I meet around here either has a family, a partner or have established (and many times exclusive) circle of friends. Sounds silly right? Sometimes I feel like I moved into a town of suburban sororities…  Sometimes, I feel like I’m losing a very big part of me and I am trying to figure out how to restore this balance again. And to be quite honest, sometimes I feel tempted to move back east coast…my life there was a lot…different, and I rarely felt alone.  But I could be wrong. Again, it could be hormones (man, it’s tough to be a woman).

A good friend of mine did suggest I start looking into volunteer organizations, so I can meet people with like-minded, cause-oriented or art-related interests…but then again, the bigger problem is time. I work 6 days and most of the time I am just tired! I’ve thought of cutting down work days, but in this economic struggle everybody is going through, I really don’t have a choice! Whoever said life in America is easier? Not these days!

My goal throughout this year was basically survival. A lot of changes took place this year: now working in 4 different dental offices (hence the 6 day work week), I moved to my own apartment, got my first car (driving still scares me sometimes), grew more gray hairs, was told I was pre-diabetic, eyesight got worse, constant back, neck and elbow issues… well let’s just say there were days when i thought that it sucked being a grown-up. But even if that is the case, at the end of the day, we all still have so many things to be thankful for.

The other night I was having a conversation with my Mom and she said a few things that really stuck with me. She said that all the things we have (material possessions, work, relationships, etc) are all given to us by God. But many times, we forget that important point. We hold on to them as if they were really our own, forgetting that God could choose to have us return it to Him, or He can just take it back, for a better and greater purpose. So while we have those “things” we should never take them for granted, and always be thankful that we have exactly what we need (not always what we want).

She said that these days, more so, people have become so materialistic, and Christmastime has slowly become that…a huge buying season. Since when has buying expensive, over-the-top items been a valid expression of how much you care for a person? Well, sadly..since a long time ago! I was at the mall today, to catch up on this Christmas shopping, and my oh my…it could’ve been Halloween because people grow fangs trying to weasel the best bargain out of retail stores. And let’s not even talk about parking… ugh..

Okay… it’s 2:20 am and this has not helped me get sleepy at all! hahaha. I’m gonna try to force myself to sleep for the 4th time.

Goodnight world!

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